Ad Se Ipsum
by Bye11
Summary: "Goodbye girl, already Catullus endures, he will neither miss you, nor will he ask for you, unwilling." Set after the finale, so spoilers ahead.


**A/N: This is me in venting mode. This story is very angsty so it is NOT for you if you're looking for something to feel better. Will will regain his footing and I am quite convinced that next season Alicia and Will will find their way back to each other just like in StrawberrySab's wonderful story. Florrick, Agos & Associates would have actually been my favorite outcome if Alicia had abandoned Peter and chosen to be with Will. At the moment though, I am just angry and so this is my way of letting off some steam. This is Will after finding out Alicia is going away with Cary.**

_"Miserable Catullus, cease to be a fool"*_

**Alone.**

Instead of trying to work through everything she had fled. Fled from him, fled from L/G. When she had known that he was probably losing Diane, when she had known and hidden that Cary was already leaving, and so were the other fourth years together with a sizable part of the client roster.

**Devastated.**

Behind every time they had flirted with each other, behind every kiss, behind every improvised dinner there had always been their friendship. That respect that made him go to bat for her, that made him fight for her brilliance. The vote that had made her partner, the need of having her as a competent brain to pick.

What remained of that now?

When she hadn't even deigned him of a conversation before deciding to jump ship?

Throughout everything, he had always believed that Will Gardner held a special place in Alicia's heart.

Maybe she didn't love him enough, maybe she wasn't willing to sacrifice her family for him but he had suspected that just like when he had been taken in the whirlwind of the grand jury, she would have been there in any moment of trouble.

Because he meant something to her.

Because she cared.

But she didn't, did she? He was tempting and Caesar's wife had to be beyond suspicion. It didn't matter that in the process of distancing herself from him she had deprived him of one of the best lawyers the firm had ever had, of the one person he looked forward to seeing, of all the clients that would follow her.

**Immoral.**

That had been the judgement of her eyes. With Edelstein and Bishop and with the secretaries. Whenever he had been at the receiving end of that look he had questioned everything. Had his job transformed him into an human being unworthy of being loved? Did money mean more than her precious approval?

The moral Alicia that hesitated a second every time she was being assigned a gray client had no qualms in destroying him for her benefit. Saint Alicia, patroness of all the pious and supportive wives, was willing to do anything to protect that image. Throwing away a friendship was the price she had to pay for her quiet living and she had paid it without a second thought.

**Hypocrite.**

An adjective that had never belonged to her. But now described her to a T. All those critics to the neighbors of the old house. The eye-rolls at their disingenuous interest. The desire for storm-friends, those you could count on in the moments of need. She had treated him as those fake friends had treated her. What did that say about her? Most of all, what did that say about him?

**Discarded.**

Like the old toy when the shiny one gets opened. A shiny Governor that could not afford even the whiff of a marital trouble. Measures had to be taken. Getting rid of the reliable toy that never got broken was the obvious one.

**Alluring.**

That's all he had been to her. Like that last piece of chocolate cake you know you shouldn't have. Like the cigarette you should refuse, like the drink you shouldn't order, like the drug you shouldn't take. With one key difference. Chocolates, cigarettes, drinks and drugs were nothing more than objects. They did not possess feelings that could get hurt when one finally decided to kick the bad habit.

He did.

For her, it didn't change anything.

**Fool.**

While he had been hoping for her redeeming sign, the one that would make him forget about all the hurt, the despair and the lies, she had been plotting her ultimate severance. She had never seriously considered trying to integrate him in her life. Instead, she had adapted her life to push him out of it.

**Pathetic.**

He wondered if she had laughed with Cary or maybe with her husband about the romantic Will that still entertained the idea of a real chance with her. Feelings slowed down a career, made paths unnecessarily complicated. A consummate politician's wife knew better than that.

**Liability.**

An unrequited love that refused to die was nothing more than that in her world. A crisis for Eli to handle. Had she compared notes with the cunning campaign-manager? What if Will got spurned and decided to reveal all? After having left his firm they could spin it as the scorned boss looking for revenge. A mistake made harmless.

**Factotum.**

The generous job provider that saved her family from bankruptcy. The boss that protected her in the turbid waters of a law firm. The body that served as sexual vent. The confidence-booster for whenever Peter humiliated her. The silent helper that did not get to meet her children or declare love. The weakness whose only duty was to make itself insignificant. The superfluous person once her triumph had been achieved.

**Void.**

His being now that his love had no reason to exist anymore. His day without her smirk, her laugh, her anger, her eye-rolls and her shrugs. No more tantalizing suits, no more late-nights to look forward to. Bleak future months, spent pedaling furiously to give the impression that despite the hemorrhage, his firm was still solid and profitable. That he wasn't losing control. Days putting one foot in front of the other because his name on the door was all he had to tell others about himself. Will Gardner, a name partner. Nothing to add to that.

**Angry.**

What he wanted to be. At her, for deceiving him so thoroughly, at Cary for having stolen her, at Peter for getting always way more than he deserved. At Diane, for having interrupted his last happy moment. At himself, for having idolized her, for the stubborn hope his heart had preserved for so long, for not having seen it coming. At himself, for not remembering that Alicia was the same woman that had chosen Peter over him before, for not understanding that he was just a loose end. But anger was a passion. It was a symptom of life. Instead, he was hollow, dead inside.

**Indifferent.**

What he would have to be in hearing news about the First Couple of Illinois, about their vow renewal, about the wife's thriving new firm. Whenever she crossed her path in court or as opposing counsel.

**Ruthless.**

What he would be from now on when she was concerned. The one-sided friendship ended that night. She had seen it wise to make an enemy of him. She would watch how the Will Gardner that was not trying to impress her looked like. He hadn't succeeded in obtaining her love. He would make sure to get her hate.

**Barren.**

The part of him that made him human. She had taken it all and saw fit to dispose of it as garbage. From now on he would never grant anyone else the possibility of getting close, of harming him. Everyone thought of him as a machine.

Time to prove them right.

_"But you, Catullus, obstinate, endure."*_

_*_This is the English translation of the beginning and the end of Catullus 8. The original one is in Latin and the poem fits quite properly the situation, so I'll give you the chance to read it all.

_"Miserable Catullus, cease to be a fool,  
__and that which you see to have been lost, may you consider lost.  
__Bright suns once shone for you,  
__when you often came to where the girl led you,  
__a girl loved by us more than any girl will be loved.  
__Where there those many jokes used to happen,  
__which you wanted, and she did not deny,  
__truly bright suns shone for you.  
__Now she does not want; you also, powerless, do not want,  
__neither follow she who flees, nor live miserably,  
__but remain firm with a resolute mind, endure.  
__Goodbye girl, already Catullus endures,  
__he will neither miss you, nor will he ask for you, unwilling.  
__But you will grieve, when you will not be asked for at all.  
__Wicked one, woe to you! what life remains for you?  
__Who will come to you now? To whom will you seem beautiful?  
__Whom will you love now? Whose will you be said to be?  
__Whom will you kiss? Whose lips will you bite?  
__But you, Catullus, obstinate, endure."__  
_

**A/N: If any of you ends up reading this story, please let me know what you think, so that I can know that I am not the only enraged one. **


End file.
